I Wanted to Leave, but You Made Me Stay

I told you that I wanted to die, but you shot

back and told me that if I held on, things

would get better.

Like I did not know that I would be okay

eventually. Always eventually.

It has been three years since you decided

to walk away, and I stayed,

even when you stopped holding my hand.

I needed to be coddled and I was very

clingy.

You said that it was a trait that you loved

about me and I know that it was those very

same quirks that led to my oblivion.

After three years, I’m still holding onto your

words, waiting for the eventually that you

promised to arrive.

Without any tracking, I looked out the

window each and every day in hopes that

my eventually will have arrived.

Three years.

I wanted to leave, but you made me stay.

I wanted to die, but you told me it’ll get

better.

When?

Raindrops.

Drip, drip, drip

Raindrops travel down the window

The thunderstorm begins to calm but the rain does not let up

Oh how I’ve always hated the rain

The dark clouds and gloomy skies

I begin to miss the sunlight

Drip, drip, drip

The rain continues to fall

The sky grays and the blue fades

Thunder loudly cracks, but it doesn’t scare away the sadness

Oh how I’ve always hated the rain

Drip, drip, drip

Isolation.

I confined myself to an era of solitude.
It feels like everyone one I care about just fucking hates me,
So I’ve decided to sit alone every night and wonder why.
I’ve been keeping the suicidal thoughts to myself like I had discovered gold at the end of the rainbow and I do not want to share.
I’d like to open up, but to who?
I am alone.
I did this to myself.
I place the blame on the only person who can and should bear it.
Me.
I don’t even know how I’m to resolve this set of issues.
I had hoped it would sort itself out such as has before.
Like when you attempt to fold a sheet of paper into a swan, but you don’t quite get it right so it unfolds back into a single sheet.
I’m sorry I am this way.
I’m sorry.

Fist Fight

Bloody gums.

I fought against myself and knocked some of my teeth out

Days later,

I keep running my tongue through the gaps.

Smooth like a freshly paved road.

I need to stop punching myself in the face,

I keep rattling my brain to attempt to forget everything I hate about myself.

Scrapped Projects

I wear gloves all of the time in the winter.

They hide the fact that my knuckles are

always bleeding.

I don’t want people to know that I’ve lost my

mind and beat a brick wall

Until I couldn’t move my fingers anymore.

Whenever I slip into the deep end,

I decide that it is good to resume my life long

project of painting the basement walls

Without a single trip to the hardware store.

Or a hospital.

Sometimes I like to take my gloves off and

watch my blood drip and stain the freshly

fallen snow.

Because I have walked away from my project.

With the intention of abandoning it

Forever.

Killing Time

I’m trying to kill some time
Murdering clocks with a revolver
I’m trying to solve my anger issues
But I’m more angry than before
Death is expensive so i
just beat myself up in the mirror.
cursing my own name,
insulting myself.
I gave myself a black eye
And I wear this shiner with pride
It’s the badge of self hate I display
Because i don’t know how to talk about
what I’m feeling.
stressed
repressed
depressed
I can feel the final stretch of my life
The spool of thread is reaching its end
With the continuous unravel
My breaths get shorter
My vision blurs
My body loosens up
There isn’t anymore thread
I am at my end

-Sampson D.

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